paula bunion 16 tons

A lot of people will try to tell you the story of Paula Bunion, but they don’t know a skate axle from a toe stop.  Tell you what, legend has it that Paula came into this world a babe born weighin’ a whoppin’ sixteen tons.  She was delivered directly to the Bunion family home in Winchester, Michigan by sixteen of the fastest Peregrine Falcons.  From the git-go that child was always was a quick ‘un, and the day she learn’d to crawl she covered the entire perimeter of every state in the Union plus two of the Canadian Territories.  And she done it in sixteen seconds flat. 

She grew right up there in those woods helpin’ her Momma, Papa, MeeMaw, PeePaw, PawPaw, and MommeePaw with the family business, loggin.’  You’re probably wonderin,’ “How can it be that she ever laid down those hatchets to strap on her big blue wheels?”  Well, one day she and her family was out loggin’ 16,000 miles from the family home and came bouts a tree as big around as the sun itself.  That’s right!  “Fiddle-sticks!” Peepaw said cause he was hopin’ to take a view on the sun settin’ that evenin’.  There was nuthin’ in tarnation for the eye to see cept that irritatin’ tree trunk. 

Bein’ that Paula’s legs were so long, she knew she was the right woman for the job, but first she would be needin’ a double-bit ax to cut through that dag-burn tree.  Off Paula went in the forest a-searchin’ for the fastest path to her diggings.  One step, two step, and three steps, and the good Lord knows it was a fine day because Paula stumbled right over an old oak stump and found herself looking straight onto a new pair of boots just a-settin’ right there on the ground like they belonged to no one in particular atall!  They were the dang-darndest things that Paula had ever seen, each one made with the leather of sixteen of the finest oxen.  And on the bottom of each of those boots, attached by the strongest iron, were four big blue wheels. 

Now bein’ just as dad-blame smart as she was dog-burned tall, Paula knew that these boots were not just some blasted gewgaws, and figure’d they could help her get the job done just a lil’ bit quicker, so she strapped em upon her feet.  In sixteen minutes she skated faster than a locomotive those 16,000 miles to and fro the Bunion Homestead to fetch that double-bit ax.  And when she got back to that tree she said nothin’ but, “Alrighty boys stand clear.”  She spat in her hands, grabbed that ax by the handle, and started skatin’ full chisel round that tree- all the while swingin’ her blade. Movin’ faster than a greased thunderbolt Paula made it round that big ol’ tree in a mere sixteen crossovers, a-choppin’ all the while this way and that.  When it felled she shouted, “Timber!” so loud that it was said to be heard all the way to China.  And from that day forward it was known that Paula Bunion and her rip-roaring blue wheels could always get the job done.